I’m surprised that happiness disappeared, seemingly without provocation. I’m not exactly unhappy, more not quite awake or something. Let’s see. I went out to the store. Everything was ok. But when I was trying to back out of my parking space, some lady stopped right behind me. I had to wait for her to decide to proceed. I immediately thought she knew what I was trying to do and she was trying to foil me passive-aggressively. I felt anger. I suppose she just may have not seen me and was waiting for another car to pass before proceeding.
I was going to stop by the grocery store, but the heat scared me. I saw myself unloading bags from the trunk and still having to put on the car cover to keep the Jacaranda blooms from messing up my paint job. I’d practically expired when I first came outside and took it off.
So I nixed the idea of grocery shopping. I decided to grab some fast food and hightail it home. Got home, did car cover, ate lunch. Then sat looking at a catalog and the cats started misbehaving.
I guess I’m just not awake enough to deal with.
June 19th, 2008
I try to make note of this when it happens. The podcasts are keeping me company. We had a relaxing weekend. Today I ran errands and felt good the whole time. I don’t know what to post. I’m excited that I’m learning things that I love to learn about: how to live a happier, more fulfilling life. I heard someone say he wanted to be a source of light, both wisdom and lightheartedness. My purpose is to learn and share what I’ve learned. And I think I’ll add the thing about light.
I was behind someone in the checkout line. She needed a price on an umbrella she wanted to buy. She said she thought it was supposed to be five dollars, but acted like she knew she’d have to prove it. The clerk told her he’d charge her three dollars. She was so surprised and so was I. That just made my day and I haven’t stopped smiling.
June 16th, 2008
DH couldn’t have been nicer last night. What a pleasant surprise. On the other hand, the forum feels too manic right now. I wonder what’s going on.
June 12th, 2008
Last night I felt like keeping husband at a distance. He’s been stressed about work and passive-aggressive towards me. I had felt affectionate towards him for the first time in a while over the weekend, but that’s all gone now. Then we went to bed. He had the tv on. I sensed he was falling asleep so I asked if he wanted me to take over the clicker. He gave it to me. I wanted to watch something I would enjoy, but I didn’t want him to “bust my chops” about it, so I put on a show he usually watches. I decided to try to fall asleep to the tv. I rolled on my side and he pressed up against me. I told him I was hot, so let’s don’t touch. I tried to scoot over and he pressed back against me. I was so irritated that I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I threw the clicker at him and went out to the sofa. Then I felt hunger and ate a pastry. I’m pretty sure I was eating my emotions.
This morning I ate breakfast even though I didn’t feel hunger pangs. I’m frustrated at this setback. I thought I’d recovered from emotional eating. I’m feeling so resentful. I’m hating my husband because if I didn’t have to deal with him I could lose weight. I’m surrounded by women who have left their husbands for less.
I’m going to try to find a positive way out of this. Instead of thinking either/or, I’m going to visualize being successful while staying in this relationship.
June 11th, 2008
I’m feeling more positive than ever. I listen to podcasts while I’m working and get energized. I weighed once to see where my beginning is and was down 6 lbs from my doc’s visit. The hypnosis cd is working better than before. I’ve actually, for the first time, made it through a setback or plateau or whatever this is.
I’m looking for a place where I can belong. It seems that bits of me feel welcome in several places. I may have to scatter myself about until I find a group who is enough like me to fit the whole.
Today I am grateful for the variety of produce on the market. Raspberries and apricots, imagine. Ripe apricots. How rare. I’ve taken blueberries and strawberries for granted. Last week I did a salad with 7 different vegies. Not long ago, I was too tired to even think of cutting up stuff.
For now, til later….
June 11th, 2008
All through the show I imagined what I would eat for lunch. I thought I had hunger pangs, so it was ok wasn’t it? Then the show is over and I prepare to eat. Only one problem, I’m no longer sure that I’m hungry.
Then it occurs to me; emotional show, tearful, moving show. Emotions. Hunger. Food.
So I’m having a glass of ice water to see if I’m really hungry. If the pangs intensify, it’s hunger. Why is this so hard? The first six weeks were so easy. Then bam. Everything goes to heck. In the old days, I’d be done losing in six weeks, easily. But I have to be in this for the long haul now. I have to be able to have my emotions and still use the 4 Golden Rules.
The fact that I’m drinking water and not stuffing down food is encouraging. Again it seems that the mind programming is working. In unexpected ways. This could work. I hope it works.
May 22nd, 2008
I had a Caesar salad for lunch. I decided to have a scoop of Starbuck’s Java Chip. I pick up the dish to go to the kitchen afterwards. I imagine taking the carton of ice cream and eating out of it with a spoon, in front of the tv. I think, “Why would I do that?”
Then it occurs to me that my family used to eat big bowls of ice cream in front of the tv.
Ice cream + tv = secure feeling from childhood, i.e., love.
Maybe the reprogramming cd is working. I hope it’s working.
May 21st, 2008
This is from December:
While many people have clearly dominant left- or right-brained tendencies, you are able to draw on skills from both hemispheres of your brain. This rare combination makes you a very creative and flexible thinker.
The down side to being balanced-brained is that you may sometimes feel paralyzed by indecision when the two hemispheres of your brain are competing to solve a problem in their own unique ways.
I sure wish one of those hemispheres would get me to a better place.
May 15th, 2008
This didn’t get posted. It’s from around the end of April.
No one wants to hear you’re successful at losing weight unless they’re on a diet. I saw it advertised on tv and was interested. I expected one more diet - hopefully a healthy one. But I really didn’t think I had another diet in me. Then surprise! Paul McKenna.
I came to share and no one was interested. Some criticized it. But Paul McKenna has a web site set up where we can encourage each other and share our wonder. It couldn’t be easier. Diets don’t work. This does.
I may need to go back and take a look at posts, but pc lately seems really negative to me. Maybe it started with the “what do you look like” thread. I felt lonely here after that.
Maybe this is a phase for me. I hope so. PC has been really good to me.
May 15th, 2008
What makes someone rebel against a perfectly good plan that works and promises a rewarding outcome? I’m embracing the four golden rules; they’re working. I don’t go near a scale; I know myself. But others have and are pleasantly surprised. Granted, I feel great…better than before. This alone is worth the effort. But at my doctor’s appointment, I hadn’t lost what I felt I had lost. That undid all the belief and positive thinking I had gained and I spiraled downward.
Part of the problem is that I don’t know what my weight was when I began. So I probably did lose, but I can’t prove it. I must have been punishing myself for not losing more by going on a binge. That meant eating when I wasn’t hungry, eating in front of the tv, and not stopping to feel if I was full.
Okay, I’ve rationalized that one week out of the rest of my entire life isn’t a disaster, but I haven’t been able to get back the belief that this will eventually work. Before I didn’t think it mattered to me how much and how fast I was losing, but evidently it does.
I’m out of sorts. I want to listen to my positive programming cd as I drift off to sleep, but my husband insists on his routine, which is to have the tv on while he falls asleep, then wake up when I try to turn it off and insist he isn’t sleepy. When I tried to listen out on the sofa, I was well into the cd and very relaxed when the cat jumped right on my stomach.
I wonder if I’ve crossed over some kind of frustration threshold. My husband recently told me that he knows when he’s “busting my chops,” but he does it anyway because it’s fun. In other words, he intentionally frustrates me. For fun. Double binds me for fun. I’m an adult. I should be able to find some way to rescue myself, shouldn’t I? A direct approach makes him mad. My mother knows how to respond to his kidding; she’s passive-aggressive herself.
“You’ve crossed a boundary” doesn’t work. It’s only a challenge. A gauntlet. A dare to up the ante.
I listened to my guru telling me to imagine my slim self, to see what that looked like, to feel what that felt like. I could almost see it, but I tried to feel it and it feels the same as now. It will probably add the jealousy factor to his teasing. As my energy increases, so will his.
He sounds like an enemy, but he isn’t really. He says I am his world. I hate that. That’s how ….. I can’t go on like this. This is the loop of despair with no answer and no hope. Maybe I’ll try to modify his behavior with the squirt gun like I do with the cats.
May 15th, 2008
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