I made soup yesterday. It’s supposed to be Fall isn’t it? So soup. Except it didn’t feel like Fall. But we really like Tortellini Soup. It’s full of vegies, so I consider it a good vitamin boost at this time of year.

So, Fall. Halloween didn’t feel a bit like Haloween this year. Why? The days were getting shorter; the weather was a tad bit cooler. Oh, I get it. We hadn’t changed the clocks yet. As soon as we did that this morning, the goofy, slightly-off feeling set in.

Maybe that’s why Halloween is so natural at this time of year. We’re all a little off (except Arizona, I think), so spooky sounds right.

I did it again. This was posed to publish over a week ago, but I hit the wrong button. Duh.

We saw the Terra Cotta Warriors. I’m enlarging my cultural experience. I’m reading _Three Cups of Tea_. The Baltis call tea the same as Mandarin:  cha. My mother used to call it “tay”:  “Would you like a cup of tay?” She was being quirky, but the British actually used to call it tay. Since  her family tree is almost directly English back to the Dutch Purchase, it might have actually been handed down, mother to daughter.

[Place holder for a snappy ending]

Why Americans are fat:  It happened with 9/11 and I’m seeing it again with the mortgage crisis/stock market slump. It happens with poor people. When people are freaked out they eat. When people feel like they have no control they eat. When people can’t afford anything else they eat.  When people feel like, “What’s the point? I’ve been denying myself and look what it’s got me?” They eat.

The world is ending. Let’s eat. Or I could be wrong.

How did my plans go so awry? Sis called yesterday. The meds guy at Mom’s retirement center called her to tell her that my mom had asked him to get her meds ready through Saturday. Sis wondered if I had changed the plans.

I can’t do this. My sister messes with my mind. I feel bad when I’m around her.

Ok. What may have happened: Mom gets sad that she can’t remember things. She calls sis to ask her what happened the day before. Sis thinks: Sis called Mom, Mom is upset, therefore Sis upset Mom.

Now, for the more discerning listerer: Mom had a go-round with her meds guy yesterday. Mom thought yesterday was the day she was getting picked up. She tells meds guy she needs her meds through Saturday. Mom says meds guy said she can’t go.

Meds guy calls sis to question plans. Sis tells him the actual plan. Sis calls me to tell me the story. Sis says she wondered if I’d changed the plans. She doesn’t say, “I know Mom gets things mixed up.” She doesn’t say, “I know that you’d have told me if you’d changed the plans.”

Next. This morning, as I’d promised, I phoned Mom to go over the plan for me to pick her up today. I waited until half an hour before she would be going down to breakfast. I still woke her up. I went over the plan that I would call her after my doctor appointment to tell her I was on my way, probably between 3:30 and 4. Could she be in her room? Yes. She would definitely be in her room.

Then she says, “Oh, wait. I don’t know about the medic. Something about the medic. What about that?”

“I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.”

“The medic. The medic. I thought it was yesterday. The medic told me I couldn’t go for so long.”

“Oh. Ok. I think Sis spoke to someone yesterday. It’s ok. You just need your meds for tonight and tomorrow morning and I’d bring you back tomorrow afternoon.”

She is slurring her words. I reassure her that everything is fine. She hurries up and says goodby. I try to slow her down. “Ok, I’ll be calling you this afternoon.”

Fifteen minutes later Sis calls to say Mom doesn’t want to get picked up. If we want to come there it’s ok, but she doesn’t want to spend the night. Mom hadn’t wanted to call me. I felt brave. I asked if Mom was upset at me?  “Well, yeah. I guess you woke her up.”

INSIGHT: They need a scapegoat. That was always the family dynamic.

It’s not that Mom’s confused. That isn’t sweet enough. No, if I can made Sis feel bad, that’s a home run.

So what now? My first inclination is to stay the heck away from both of them. My therapist would have advocated this. My husband says wait awile before making any decision. My husband thinks I should always put myself last. But I will at least wait until this afternoon and see how I feel then. Let’s see if I feel any more like hitting my head against the wall this afternoon than I do now.

So all day my husband has been aggressive toward me. I woke up resenting that he turns the tv on early Sunday morning to watch Sunday Morning Show. Before this, I woke up resenting the three times my cat woke me up wanting to be fed.

I offered to make breakfast, and when I tried to get out of bed, he came to my side and wanted to tackle me. I said, “Don’t.” But he did anyway. So I told him I was too tired to make breakfast. He thought I was joking. I told him I wasn’t going to make breakfast until he learned a lesson. After 10 minutes, I went and fixed breakfast.

Other things he did to annoy me:  He got me all stirred up and made me help him figure out why I’d entered a deposit that didn’t show on our statement.  I’d been trying to read the paper, but I started going through receipts, looking for the one. After being around his frustration, I went back to the paper as he went online and found the deposit. Then he showed me how there was a carbon of my transaction in the back of the checkbook.

So now, I come out to be near him this afternoon and he immediately finds ants and raises a fuss about where they came from. And here I am. I left the room because I don’t like being made to take on his fussiness.

This is like how he used to push and prod me until I’d completely run out of patience and gone into rage at him. Then he’d become a victim and I’d feel guilty. After my breakdown, he started doing that again and I called the police because my therapist told me I could always call the police when I felt he was going to hurt me. That ended it. He stopped punching out the wall in fury.

I don’t know if it’s the drinking beer or the waiting for football season to come, but he’s becoming aggressive again. So, again, I welcome you my angry part. What is it you need? I am boundaries. I need autonomy.

I’m supposed to visit my mother with my sister tomorrow. Maybe that’s why the dream. Right now I want to cancel. But I’ll wait until the coffee kicks in and see if that makes me feel stronger.

The dynamic between my mother and me or my sister and me is crazy enough, but all together, it will take me days to weed out the damage they do to my ego. Or, I could think of myself as the sane one (which I am) and think of it as solving a puzzle. Their crazy don’t stick to me.

This is interesting:

Main Entry:

cat·a·plexy 

: sudden loss of muscle power following a strong emotional stimulus

I wonder what other useful words I do not know.

My mil sends me urban legends in emails all the time. I have a sort of sixth sense for them and check them out, usually at snopes. I will usually report back to her. She now prefaces her emails with, “I don’t know if this is true or not.” Or, “Let me know if this is true.” Even better. I respect and appreciate her for this.

So when someone in a not psychcentral forum warned us of dire consequences that we should read this, my not-true detector went off. I found the story and the truth at snopes and posted the url.

I thought I had done this in a respectful manner, but the original poster lashed out at me, including mocking me with the choice of words I had carefully chosen. I was surprised, hurt, mistified, and scared. I defended myself without, I might add, a personal attack on her. I thought, I’ll leave this community for a while, even though I’d just recently discovered it and clicked with it.

The fear persisted. I decided to get out and do something to distract myself. I also asked for hugs here and got them. That really soothed my soul. And still I return in my mind to the scene of the crime, like picking at a scab on a wound.

I don’t consciously want to do this. I want the memory to retreat and peace to replace it. But it persists.

I have a belief that I can feel when someone is thinking about me. Example: I rarely talk to my sister. Yesterday I thought of her. Then the phone rang. It was her. So maybe the lady I offended is still trying to resolve her feelings and still hates me.

I wondered, why fear? What scares me? This is the penultimate anonymous confrontation. How can she hurt me? The answer is that she’s been in that forum much longer than I. The crones are likely to defend her and attack me. That’s fear of the stranger, even tho the stranger had minded her manners and acted with decorum.

So now, what is the fear? Maybe it’s mixed with the hurt. I thought these were my people. They sounded like me. They were smart and funny and kind. I thought. Disappointment? If so, that is a feeling I knew well in my childhood.

So now, what is the fear? I was lonely, then not alone. I was part of a community and I felt loved and accepted for myself. I could let my whole self out. But no. Yet again I was an outcast. No one wants me. Yep. That’s it.

Now, just the facts, ma’m. First, I’m the one who banned myself from that forum. I thought I was giving people room to recover, but I was also punishing myself. Second, I maintained my manners. I defended myself. However, that was something I was punished for by my mother. Never argue with mother or she will withdraw her love. The facts? The lady was probably embarassed and lashed out. Can I punish myself for this? Well, I can be sad that I didn’t forsee this and find a better way to “out” the truth. I am sad that in my enthusiasm in revealing “the truth,” I hurt someones feelings who I’d hoped to make a friend.

A haunting memory: My sister angry with me for being overly enthusiastic and getting her caught up in the fun, then something falls through for her and she is disappointed. Ok, I know this is crazy. Why should I feel bad because of her reaction to something?

Hmmm. I know that my sister will always be in my life, but it’s too easy for strangers to disconnect. “Lady, I wanted to be your friend. I’m sorry you preferred to live in darkness.” That would show her. These ladies are all Christiany and soo good. She would get the reference in a big way.

Ok. So I want to hurt her for hurting me. But I don’t want to be punished and I don’t want to make enemies. So, I’ll give up the revenge. I’ll go back to the forum and face the music. I’ll give her another chance to take a swipe at me and in return, I’ll offer acceptance and ask for forgiveness.

Now this is different. I usually run away when someone yells at me. So today, I’ll act like an adult. I’ll let you know what happens. (I’m scared again.)