Posts filed under 'Boundaries'

Making sense from nonsense

Mom is upset with me? That’s what my sister said. What did I do wrong? Let’s see…. I invited Mom to spend the night before her birthday so Sis wouldn’t have to drive so far for us all to go out to lunch. How dare I? If I hadn’t invited her, she wouldn’t be

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upset this morning.

How did my plans go so awry? Sis called yesterday. The meds guy at Mom’s retirement center called her to tell her that my mom had asked him to get her meds ready through Saturday. Sis wondered if I had changed the plans.

I can’t do this. My sister messes with my mind. I feel bad when I’m around her.

Ok. What may have happened: Mom gets sad that she can’t remember things. She calls sis to ask her what happened the day before. Sis thinks: Sis called Mom, Mom is upset, therefore Sis upset Mom.

Now, for the more discerning listerer: Mom had a go-round with her meds guy yesterday. Mom thought yesterday was the day she was getting picked up. She tells meds guy she needs her meds through Saturday. Mom says meds guy said she can’t go.

Meds guy calls sis to question plans. Sis tells him the actual plan. Sis calls me to tell me the story. Sis says she wondered if I’d changed the plans. She doesn’t say, “I know Mom gets things mixed up.” She doesn’t say, “I know that you’d have told me if you’d changed the plans.”

Next. This morning, as I’d promised, I phoned Mom to go over the plan for me to pick her up today. I waited until half an hour before she would be going down to breakfast. I still woke her up. I went over the plan that I would call her after my doctor appointment to tell her I was on my way, probably between 3:30 and 4. Could she be in her room? Yes. She would definitely be in her room.

Then she says, “Oh, wait. I don’t know about the medic. Something about the medic. What about that?”

“I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.”

“The medic. The medic. I thought it was yesterday. The medic told me I couldn’t go for so long.”

“Oh. Ok. I think Sis spoke to someone yesterday. It’s ok. You just need your meds for tonight and tomorrow morning and I’d bring you back tomorrow afternoon.”

She is slurring her words. I reassure her that everything is fine. She hurries up and says goodby. I try to slow her down. “Ok, I’ll be calling you this afternoon.”

Fifteen minutes later Sis calls to say Mom doesn’t want to get picked up. If we want to come there it’s ok, but she doesn’t want to spend the night. Mom hadn’t wanted to call me. I felt brave. I

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asked if Mom was upset at me? “Well, yeah. I guess you woke her up.”

INSIGHT: They need a scapegoat. That was always the family dynamic.

It’s not that Mom’s confused. That isn’t sweet enough. No, if I can made Sis feel bad, that’s a home run.

So what now? My first inclination is to stay the heck away from both of them. My therapist would have advocated this. My husband says wait awile before making any decision. My husband thinks I should always put myself last. But I will at least wait until this afternoon and see how I feel then. Let’s see if I feel any more like hitting my head against the wall this afternoon than I

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do now.

Add comment September 10th, 2008

Welcoming the part that hates

I’ve been reading _Core Transformation_ and anything else that will help me break this resistance I have toward something that is supposed to help me. The author says that everything that we feel has a positive intention. In other words, I don’t like the feeling of anger when I think about people who violate my boundaries and refuse to take me seriously. But I say, “Welcome angry part. What do you need?”

So all day my husband has been aggressive toward me. I woke up resenting that he turns the tv on early Sunday morning to watch Sunday Morning Show. Before this, I woke up resenting the three times my cat woke me up wanting to be fed.

I offered to make breakfast, and when I tried to get out of bed, he came to my side and wanted to tackle me. I said, “Don’t.” But he did anyway. So I told him I was too tired to make breakfast. He thought I was joking. I told him I wasn’t going to make breakfast until he learned a lesson. After 10 minutes, I went and fixed breakfast.

Other things he did to annoy me:  He got me all stirred up and made me help him figure out why I’d entered a deposit that didn’t show on our statement.  I’d been trying to read the paper, but I started going through receipts, looking for the one. After being around his frustration, I went back to the paper as he went online and found the deposit. Then he showed me how there was a carbon of my transaction in the back of the checkbook.

So now, I come out to be near him this afternoon and he immediately finds ants and raises a fuss about where they came from. And here I am. I left the room because I don’t like being made to take on his fussiness.

This is like how he used to push and prod me until I’d completely run out of patience and gone into rage at him. Then he’d become a victim and I’d feel guilty. After my breakdown, he started doing that again and I called the police because my therapist told me I could always call the police when I felt he was going to hurt me. That ended it. He stopped punching out the wall in fury.

I don’t know if it’s the drinking beer or the waiting for football season to come, but he’s becoming aggressive again. So, again, I welcome you my angry part. What is it you need? I am boundaries. I need autonomy.

1 comment August 3rd, 2008

Outcomes

DH couldn’t have been nicer last night. What a pleasant surprise.

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On the other hand, the forum feels too manic right now. I wonder what’s going on.

Add comment June 12th, 2008

Stumbling

Last night I felt like keeping husband at a distance. He’s been stressed about work and passive-aggressive towards me. I had felt affectionate towards him for the first time in a while over the weekend, but that’s all gone now. Then we went to bed. He had the tv on. I sensed he was falling asleep so I asked if he wanted me to take over the clicker. He gave it to me. I wanted to watch something I would enjoy, but I didn’t want him to “bust my chops” about it, so I put on a show he usually watches. I decided to try to fall asleep to

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pressed up against me. I told him I was hot, so let’s don’t touch. I tried to scoot over and he pressed back against me. I was so irritated that I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I threw the clicker at him and went out to the sofa. Then I felt hunger and ate a pastry. I’m pretty sure I was eating my emotions.

This morning I ate breakfast even though I didn’t feel hunger pangs. I’m frustrated at this setback. I thought I’d recovered from emotional eating. I’m feeling so resentful. I’m hating my husband because if I didn’t have to deal with him I could lose weight. I’m surrounded by women who have left their husbands for less.

I’m going to try to find a positive way out of this. Instead of thinking either/or, I’m going to visualize being successful while staying in this relationship.

Add comment June 11th, 2008

She did it again.

We don’t usually answer the phone unless we’re expecting a call. The people we want to hear from have our cell phone numbers. So I heard my sister saying she was in the area and wanted to come by and say hi.

Was it just last weekend that she had another excuse to come to my home? I need to do something because I’m feeling like a victim. She’s damned me for every way I’ve tried to tell her how I feel. How dare I send her an email. How dare I send her a note. But why do I have to pander to her comfort zone? She always wins on the phone. I don’t want her poison injection.

The choices as I see them are: I do nothing and live in fear that she’ll just show up or I send her an email telling her I don’t want to see her and she makes herself crazy, ends up in the hospital and I have to bail her out.

She just isn’t getting it. I have to hurt her to get through to her. Of course, that will just ramp her up until she’s in the hospital again, calling me to give her a ride home.

I’m going to do it. I’m going to send her an email and tell her we just don’t want to see her right now. Maybe I’ll tell her I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Just stop calling. What I really want to say is please stop making up reasons why she has to come here. Maybe I’ll say I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but you aren’t taking the hint. Most people would get it by now.

I’m tempted to say something like my husband is embarrassed to be around her. That might make her stop flirting with him in front of me. Boy, I could really use this time to tell her his parents don’t want to be around her. Of course, that could backfire on me. She could write them to apologize and they wouldn’t even know what she was talking about. Did I mention that? She wants my inlaws and my husband, too.

I have never done anything like that. I’m just not sneaky enough to get away with it. But, how much is too much? She ruined Thanksgiving. Should I tell

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her this? Would you want someone to just come out and tell you what they think?

Any thing I do is going to be wrong here. I just need to figure out which is the least bad of the choices. Oh, and there’s this…the greatest thing a man can do is lay down his life for his brother. So God’s ready to damn me too.

Add comment April 19th, 2008

Stalker sister

I don’t think this got posted last wee.

On Friday, my sister lost her house key. She wanted to come up and get the spare she’d given to me. She waited until night, so I couldn’t overnite it to her. She wanted to come over Saturday. Oh, and how about going to lunch? Notice that she didn’t lose her car keys?

First I said ok. Then I got really angry. After stewing about it for a while, I phoned her and said I was going to overnite it to her so she didn’t have to make the trip. I hoped the UPS store was still open at 7 pm. It wasn’t. I felt a little panicked. I went to the post office, where they have a self service station for after hours.

Their “overnite” was going to cost sixteen dollars and wouldn’t get there until Tuesday, so I sent it priority for four dollars. I felt pretty nervous and guilty. And then, I told myself that it wasn’t my problem that she had lost her key, but she had tried to make it mine. And now that the key was in the mail, she couldn’t use it as an excuse to come up. Plus, I wasn’t the one who lost her key. I’m not her savior.

She texted me on my phone on Saturday to say it hadn’t come. I really needed some support, but I couldn’t risk getting negative feedback at the forum. As I kept trying to write an entry and erasing it, I realized I was in a victim mentality. I was hiding and she was threatening me.

I didn’t want to talk to her so she could send her poison to me. But I realized that I probably have the tools to recover from it. And if I don’t run, she can’t chase me. So I answered the email she wrote asking for a tracking number. I told her there was no tracking number and I’d sent it priority, so it was on the way. She received it on Monday.

I’ve been thinking about some things. One time I didn’t want to meet her and go shopping. She called me from a mall that was near me and asked if she could come by. I said ok. She came in the afternoon and stayed until dark. She finally left. The next week, my mother called me accusing me of something. “Did your sister come over and you didn’t invite her to spend the night and it was late?”

Today I realize that this is a big reason why I don’t do things with my sister. I would be ok with the first day, but I just don’t have the emotional energy to be with her overnight. And I’d been operating under the dread that I “had” to invite her for the night, because my mother yelled at me. (My sister acts all surprised and oh how nice when I have invited her to spend the night).

Another thing I think about is the time I sent her an email telling her that I don’t appreciate her hitting on my husband when I don’t feel like talking to her. She loathed me after that. I was just learning how to express my feelings so I didn’t have to be angry all the time. So a while later, I called her and she was all formal and distant. I asked her if something was wrong, and the dam broke. How dare I send her an email so that she would have it to read over and over. That was an unforgivable thing to do. She accused me of all kinds of things. Since that, I have avoided telling her anything. And avoided her.

She was a mean bitter person who made her family miserable. Her husband finally left her when her sons had grown. After faking it and saying she had all kinds of friends, when she became alone, she told me I was the only person she had to talk to.

I’m tired. I have to stop for now. I tried. I really did. Even tho I didn’t like her as a person, I tried to be there. But she keeps taking and taking and gives nothing back. I just wish she’d leave me alone. I just realized I have her pie plate. That’s another excuse for her. If she demands to get it, I’m going to send her the money. What are they? Four dollars at the grocery store?

I really hope I’m not a terrible person for feeling this way.

Add comment April 19th, 2008


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