Archive for August, 2008

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Add comment August 6th, 2008

Welcoming the part that hates

I’ve been reading _Core Transformation_ and anything else that will help me break this resistance I have toward something that is supposed to help me. The author says that everything that we feel has a positive intention. In other words, I don’t like the feeling of anger when I think about people who violate my boundaries and refuse to take me seriously. But I say, “Welcome angry part. What do you need?”

So all day my husband has been aggressive toward me. I woke up resenting that he turns the tv on early Sunday morning to watch Sunday Morning Show. Before this, I woke up resenting the three times my cat woke me up wanting to be fed.

I offered to make breakfast, and when I tried to get out of bed, he came to my side and wanted to tackle me. I said, “Don’t.” But he did anyway. So I told him I was too tired to make breakfast. He thought I was joking. I told him I wasn’t going to make breakfast until he learned a lesson. After 10 minutes, I went and fixed breakfast.

Other things he did to annoy me:  He got me all stirred up and made me help him figure out why I’d entered a deposit that didn’t show on our statement.  I’d been trying to read the paper, but I started going through receipts, looking for the one. After being around his frustration, I went back to the paper as he went online and found the deposit. Then he showed me how there was a carbon of my transaction in the back of the checkbook.

So now, I come out to be near him this afternoon and he immediately finds ants and raises a fuss about where they came from. And here I am. I left the room because I don’t like being made to take on his fussiness.

This is like how he used to push and prod me until I’d completely run out of patience and gone into rage at him. Then he’d become a victim and I’d feel guilty. After my breakdown, he started doing that again and I called the police because my therapist told me I could always call the police when I felt he was going to hurt me. That ended it. He stopped punching out the wall in fury.

I don’t know if it’s the drinking beer or the waiting for football season to come, but he’s becoming aggressive again. So, again, I welcome you my angry part. What is it you need? I am boundaries. I need autonomy.

1 comment August 3rd, 2008


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