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Revisiting the scene of the crime

June 28th, 2008

Why do painful memories get stuck in our heads? Do they remain unresolved? Are we trying to punish ourselves? Is there an unlearned lesson that needs to be learned?

My mil sends me urban legends in emails all the time. I have a sort of sixth sense for them and check them out, usually at snopes. I will usually report back to her. She now prefaces her emails with, “I don’t know if this is true or not.” Or, “Let me know if this is true.” Even better. I respect and appreciate her for this.

So when someone in a not psychcentral forum warned us of dire consequences that we should read this, my not-true detector went off. I found the story and the truth at snopes and posted the url.

I thought I had done this in a respectful manner, but the original poster lashed out at me, including mocking me with the choice of words I had carefully chosen. I was surprised, hurt, mistified, and scared. I defended myself without, I might add, a personal attack on her. I thought, I’ll leave this community for a while, even though I’d just recently discovered it and clicked with it.

The fear persisted. I decided to get out and do something to distract myself. I also asked for hugs here and got them. That really soothed my soul. And still I return in my mind to the scene of the crime, like picking at a scab on a wound.

I don’t consciously want to do this. I want the memory to retreat and peace to replace it. But it persists.

I have a belief that I can feel when someone is thinking about me. Example: I rarely talk to my sister. Yesterday I thought of her. Then the phone rang. It was her. So maybe the lady I offended is still trying to resolve her feelings and still hates me.

I wondered, why fear? What scares me? This is the penultimate anonymous confrontation. How can she hurt me? The answer is that she’s been in that forum much longer than I. The crones are likely to defend her and attack me. That’s fear of the stranger, even tho the stranger had minded her manners and acted with decorum.

So now, what is the fear? Maybe it’s mixed with the hurt. I thought these were my people. They sounded like me. They were smart and funny and kind. I thought. Disappointment? If so, that is a feeling I knew well in my childhood.

So now, what is the fear? I was lonely, then not alone. I was part of a community and I felt loved and accepted for myself. I could let my whole self out. But no. Yet again I was an outcast. No one wants me. Yep. That’s it.

Now, just the facts, ma’m. First, I’m the one who banned myself from that forum. I thought I was giving people room to recover, but I was also punishing myself. Second, I maintained my manners. I defended myself. However, that was something I was punished for by my mother. Never argue with mother or she will withdraw her love. The facts? The lady was probably embarassed and lashed out. Can I punish myself for this? Well, I can be sad that I didn’t forsee this and find a better way to “out” the truth. I am sad that in my enthusiasm in revealing “the truth,” I hurt someones feelings who I’d hoped to make a friend.

A haunting memory: My sister angry with me for being overly enthusiastic and getting her caught up in the fun, then something falls through for her and she is disappointed. Ok, I know this is crazy. Why should I feel bad because of her reaction to something?

Hmmm. I know that my sister will always be in my life, but it’s too easy for strangers to disconnect. “Lady, I wanted to be your friend. I’m sorry you preferred to live in darkness.” That would show her. These ladies are all Christiany and soo good. She would get the reference in a big way.

Ok. So I want to hurt her for hurting me. But I don’t want to be punished and I don’t want to make enemies. So, I’ll give up the revenge. I’ll go back to the forum and face the music. I’ll give her another chance to take a swipe at me and in return, I’ll offer acceptance and ask for forgiveness.

Now this is different. I usually run away when someone yells at me. So today, I’ll act like an adult. I’ll let you know what happens. (I’m scared again.)

Entry Filed under: self discovery