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Stumbling

Last night I felt like keeping husband at a distance. He’s been stressed about work and passive-aggressive towards me. I had felt affectionate towards him for the first time in a while over the weekend, but that’s all gone now. Then we went to bed. He had the tv on. I sensed he was falling asleep so I asked if he wanted me to take over the clicker. He gave it to me. I wanted to watch something I would enjoy, but I didn’t want him to “bust my chops” about it, so I put on a show he usually watches. I decided to try to fall asleep to the tv. I rolled on my side and he pressed up against me. I told him I was hot, so let’s don’t touch. I tried to scoot over and he pressed back against me. I was so irritated that I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I threw the clicker at him and went out to the sofa. Then I felt hunger and ate a pastry. I’m pretty sure I was eating my emotions.

This morning I ate breakfast even though I didn’t feel hunger pangs. I’m frustrated at this setback. I thought I’d recovered from emotional eating. I’m feeling so resentful. I’m hating my husband because if I didn’t have to deal with him I could lose weight. I’m surrounded by women who have left their husbands for less.

I’m going to try to find a positive way out of this. Instead of thinking either/or, I’m going to visualize being successful while staying in this relationship.

Add comment June 11th, 2008

Seem to be on track again

I’m feeling more positive than ever. I listen to podcasts while I’m working and get energized. I weighed once to see where my beginning is and was down 6 lbs from my doc’s visit. The hypnosis cd is working better than before. I’ve actually, for the first time, made it through a setback or plateau or whatever this is.

I’m looking for a place where I can belong. It seems that bits of me feel welcome in several places. I may have to scatter myself about until I find a group who is enough like me to fit the whole.

Today I am grateful for the variety of produce on the market. Raspberries and apricots, imagine. Ripe apricots. How rare. I’ve taken blueberries and strawberries for granted. Last week I did a salad with 7 different vegies. Not long ago, I was too tired to even think of cutting up stuff.

For now, til later….

Add comment June 11th, 2008