Archive for June, 2008

Narcoleptic

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up in the wrong part of my sleep cycle. I feel narcoleptic. I was having a dream where my mother invited a bunch of people to my house for a Christmas party and acted like I was supposed to know and show them a really good time.

I’m supposed to visit my mother with my sister tomorrow. Maybe that’s why the dream. Right now I want to cancel. But I’ll wait until the coffee kicks in and see if that makes me feel stronger.

The dynamic between my mother and me or my sister and me is crazy enough, but all together, it

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will take me days to weed out the damage they do to my ego. Or, I could think of myself as the sane one (which I am) and think of it as solving a puzzle. Their crazy don’t stick to me.

This is interesting:

Main Entry:
cat·a·plexyÂ

:Â sudden loss of muscle power following a strong emotional stimulus

 

I wonder what other useful words I do not know.

Add comment June 30th, 2008

Revisiting the scene of the crime

Why do painful memories get stuck in our heads? Do they remain unresolved? Are we trying to punish ourselves? Is there an unlearned lesson that needs to be learned?

My mil sends me urban legends in emails all the time. I have a sort of sixth sense

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for them and check them out, usually at snopes. I will usually report back to her. She now prefaces her emails with, “I don’t know if this is true or not.” Or, “Let me know if this is true.” Even better. I respect and appreciate her for this.

So when someone in a not psychcentral forum warned us of dire consequences that we should read this, my not-true detector went off. I found the story and the truth at snopes and posted the url.

I thought I had done this in a respectful manner, but the original poster lashed out at me, including mocking me with the choice of words I had carefully chosen. I was surprised, hurt, mistified, and scared. I defended myself without, I might add, a personal attack on her. I thought, I’ll leave this community for a while, even though I’d just recently discovered it and clicked with it.

The fear persisted. I decided to get out and do something to distract myself. I also asked for hugs here and got them. That really soothed my soul. And still I return in my mind to the scene of the crime, like picking at a scab on a wound.

I don’t consciously want to do this. I want the memory to retreat and peace to replace it. But it persists.

I have a belief that I can feel when someone is thinking about me. Example: I rarely talk to my sister. Yesterday I thought of her. Then the phone rang. It was her. So maybe the lady I offended is still trying to resolve her feelings and still hates me.

I wondered, why fear? What scares me? This is the penultimate anonymous confrontation. How can she hurt me? The answer is that she’s been in that forum much longer than I. The crones are likely to defend her and attack me. That’s fear of the stranger, even tho the stranger had minded her manners and acted with decorum.

So now, what is the fear? Maybe it’s mixed with the hurt. I thought these were my people. They sounded like me. They were smart and funny and kind. I thought. Disappointment? If so, that is a feeling I knew well in my childhood.

So now, what is the fear? I was lonely, then not alone. I was part of a community and I felt loved and accepted for myself. I could let my whole self out. But no. Yet again I was an outcast. No one wants me. Yep. That’s it.

Now, just the facts, ma’m. First, I’m the one who banned myself from that forum. I thought I was giving people room to recover, but I was also punishing myself. Second, I maintained my manners. I defended myself. However, that was something I was punished for by my mother. Never argue with mother or she will withdraw her love. The facts? The lady was probably embarassed and lashed out. Can I punish myself for this? Well, I can be sad that I didn’t forsee this and find a better way to “out” the truth. I am sad that in my enthusiasm in revealing “the truth,” I hurt someones feelings who I’d hoped to make a friend.

A haunting memory: My sister angry with me for being overly enthusiastic and getting her caught up in the fun, then something falls through for her and she is disappointed. Ok, I know this is crazy. Why should I feel bad because of her reaction to something?

Hmmm. I know that my sister will always be in my life, but it’s too easy for strangers to disconnect. “Lady, I wanted to be your friend. I’m sorry you preferred to live in darkness.” That would show her. These ladies are all Christiany and soo good. She would get the reference in a big way.

Ok. So I want to hurt her for hurting me. But I don’t want to be punished and I don’t want to make enemies. So, I’ll give up the revenge. I’ll go back to the forum and face the music. I’ll give her another chance to take a swipe at me and in return, I’ll offer acceptance and ask for forgiveness.

Now this is different. I usually run away when someone yells at me. So today, I’ll act like an adult. I’ll let you know what happens. (I’m scared again.)

1 comment June 28th, 2008

No happily ever after?

 I’m surprised that happiness disappeared, seemingly without provocation. I’m not exactly unhappy, more not quite awake or something. Let’s see. I went out to the store. Everything was ok. But when I was trying to back out of my parking space, some lady stopped right behind me. I had to wait for her to decide to proceed. I immediately thought she knew what I was trying to do and she was trying to foil me passive-aggressively. I felt anger. I suppose she just may have not seen me and was waiting for another car to pass before proceeding.

I was going to stop by the grocery store, but the heat scared me. I saw myself unloading bags from the trunk and still having to put on the car cover to keep the Jacaranda blooms from messing up my paint job.  I’d practically expired when I first came outside and took it off.

So I nixed the idea of grocery shopping. I decided to grab some fast food and hightail it home. Got home, did car cover, ate lunch. Then sat looking at a catalog and the cats started misbehaving.

I guess I’m just not awake enough to deal with.

Add comment June 19th, 2008

I feel good

I try to make note of this when it happens. The podcasts

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are keeping me company. We had a relaxing weekend. Today I ran errands and felt good the whole time. I don’t know what to post. I’m excited that I’m learning things that I love to learn about: how to live a happier, more fulfilling life. I heard someone say he wanted to be a source of light, both wisdom and lightheartedness. My purpose is to learn and share what I’ve learned. And I think I’ll add the thing about light.

I was behind someone in the checkout line. She needed a price on an umbrella she wanted to buy. She said she thought it was supposed to be five dollars, but acted like she knew she’d have to prove it. The clerk told her he’d charge her three dollars. She was so surprised and so was I. That just made my day and I haven’t stopped smiling.

Add comment June 16th, 2008

Outcomes

DH couldn’t have been nicer last night. What a pleasant surprise.

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On the other hand, the forum feels too manic right now. I wonder what’s going on.

Add comment June 12th, 2008

Stumbling

Last night I felt like keeping husband at a distance. He’s been stressed about work and passive-aggressive towards me. I had felt affectionate towards him for the first time in a while over the weekend, but that’s all gone now. Then we went to bed. He had the tv on. I sensed he was falling asleep so I asked if he wanted me to take over the clicker. He gave it to me. I wanted to watch something I would enjoy, but I didn’t want him to “bust my chops” about it, so I put on a show he usually watches. I decided to try to fall asleep to

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the tv. I rolled on my side and he

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pressed up against me. I told him I was hot, so let’s don’t touch. I tried to scoot over and he pressed back against me. I was so irritated that I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I threw the clicker at him and went out to the sofa. Then I felt hunger and ate a pastry. I’m pretty sure I was eating my emotions.

This morning I ate breakfast even though I didn’t feel hunger pangs. I’m frustrated at this setback. I thought I’d recovered from emotional eating. I’m feeling so resentful. I’m hating my husband because if I didn’t have to deal with him I could lose weight. I’m surrounded by women who have left their husbands for less.

I’m going to try to find a positive way out of this. Instead of thinking either/or, I’m going to visualize being successful while staying in this relationship.

Add comment June 11th, 2008

Seem to be on track again

I’m feeling more positive than ever. I listen to podcasts while I’m working and get energized. I weighed once to see where my beginning is and was down 6 lbs from my doc’s visit. The hypnosis cd is working better than before. I’ve actually, for the first time, made it through a setback or plateau or whatever this is.

I’m looking for a place where I can belong. It seems that bits of me feel welcome in several places. I may have to scatter myself about until I find a group who is enough like me to fit the whole.

Today I am grateful for the variety of produce on the market. Raspberries and apricots, imagine. Ripe apricots. How rare. I’ve taken blueberries and strawberries for granted. Last week I did a salad with 7 different vegies. Not long ago, I was too tired to even think of cutting up stuff.

For now, til later….

Add comment June 11th, 2008


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