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Rebellion

May 15th, 2008

What makes someone rebel against a perfectly good plan that works and promises a rewarding outcome? I’m embracing the four golden rules; they’re working. I don’t go near a scale; I know myself. But others have and are pleasantly surprised. Granted, I feel great…better than before. This alone is worth the effort. But at my doctor’s appointment, I hadn’t lost what I felt I had lost. That undid all the belief and positive thinking I had gained and I spiraled downward.

Part of the problem is that I don’t know what my weight was when I began. So I probably did lose, but I can’t prove it. I must have been punishing myself for not losing more by going on a binge. That meant eating when I wasn’t hungry, eating in front of the tv, and not stopping to feel if I was full.

Okay, I’ve rationalized that one week out of the rest of my entire life isn’t a disaster, but I haven’t been able to get back the belief that this will eventually work. Before I didn’t think it mattered to me how much and how fast I was losing, but evidently it does.

I’m out of sorts. I want to listen to my positive programming cd as I drift off to sleep, but my husband insists on his routine, which is to have the tv on while he falls asleep, then wake up when I try to turn it off and insist he isn’t sleepy. When I tried to listen out on the sofa, I was well into the cd and very relaxed when the cat jumped right on my stomach.

I wonder if I’ve crossed over some kind of frustration threshold. My husband recently told me that he knows when he’s “busting my chops,” but he does it anyway because it’s fun. In other words, he intentionally frustrates me. For fun. Double binds me for fun. I’m an adult. I should be able to find some way to rescue myself, shouldn’t I? A direct approach makes him mad. My mother knows how to respond to his kidding; she’s passive-aggressive herself.

“You’ve crossed a boundary” doesn’t work. It’s only a challenge. A gauntlet. A dare to up the ante.

I listened to my guru telling me to imagine my slim self, to see what that looked like, to feel what that felt like. I could almost see it, but I tried to feel it and it feels the same as now. It will probably add the jealousy factor to his teasing. As my energy increases, so will his.

He sounds like an enemy, but he isn’t really. He says I am his world. I hate that. That’s how ….. I can’t go on like this. This is the loop of despair with no answer and no hope. Maybe I’ll try to modify his behavior with the squirt gun like I do with the cats.

Entry Filed under: self discovery