Archive for May, 2008
All through the show I imagined what I would eat for lunch. I thought I had hunger pangs, so it was ok wasn’t it? Then the show is over and I prepare to eat. Only one problem, I’m no longer sure that I’m hungry.
Then it occurs to me; emotional show, tearful, moving show. Emotions. Hunger. Food.
So I’m having a glass of ice water to see if I’m really hungry. If the pangs intensify, it’s hunger. Why is this so hard? The first six weeks were so easy. Then bam. Everything goes to heck. In the old days, I’d be done losing in six weeks, easily. But I have to be in this for the long haul now. I have to be able to have my emotions and still use the 4 Golden Rules.
The fact that I’m drinking water and not stuffing down food is encouraging. Again it seems that the mind programming is working. In unexpected ways. This could work. I hope it works.
May 22nd, 2008
I had a Caesar salad for lunch. I decided to have a scoop of Starbuck’s Java Chip. I pick up the dish to go to the kitchen afterwards. I imagine taking the carton of ice cream and eating out of it with a spoon, in front of the tv. I think, “Why would I do that?”
Then it occurs to me that my family used to eat big bowls of ice cream in front of the tv.
Ice cream + tv = secure feeling from childhood, i.e., love.
Maybe the reprogramming cd is working. I hope it’s working.
May 21st, 2008
This is from December:
While many people have clearly dominant left- or right-brained tendencies, you are able to draw on skills from both hemispheres of your brain. This rare combination makes you a very creative and flexible thinker.
The down side to being balanced-brained is that you may sometimes feel paralyzed by indecision when the two hemispheres of your brain are competing to solve a problem in their own unique ways.
I sure wish one of those hemispheres would get me to a better place.
May 15th, 2008
This didn’t get posted. It’s from around the end of April.
No one wants to hear you’re successful at losing weight unless they’re on a diet. I saw it advertised on tv and was interested. I expected one more diet - hopefully a healthy one. But I really didn’t think I had another diet in me. Then surprise! Paul McKenna.
I came to share and no one was interested. Some criticized it. But Paul McKenna has a web site set up where we can encourage each other and share our wonder. It couldn’t be easier. Diets don’t work. This does.
I may need to go back and take a look at posts, but pc lately seems really negative to me. Maybe it started with the “what do you look like” thread. I felt lonely here after that.
Maybe this is a phase for me. I hope so. PC has been really good to me.
May 15th, 2008
What makes someone rebel against a perfectly good plan that works and promises a rewarding outcome? I’m embracing the four golden rules; they’re working. I don’t go near a scale; I know myself. But others have and are pleasantly surprised. Granted, I feel great…better than before. This alone is worth the effort. But at my doctor’s appointment, I hadn’t lost what I felt I had lost. That undid all the belief and positive thinking I had gained and I spiraled downward.
Part of the problem is that I don’t know what my weight was when I began. So I probably did lose, but I can’t prove it. I must have been punishing myself for not losing more by going on a binge. That meant eating when I wasn’t hungry, eating in front of the tv, and not stopping to feel if I was full.
Okay, I’ve rationalized that one week out of the rest of my entire life isn’t a disaster, but I haven’t been able to get back the belief that this will eventually work. Before I didn’t think it mattered to me how much and how fast I was losing, but evidently it does.
I’m out of sorts. I want to listen to my positive programming cd as I drift off to sleep, but my husband insists on his routine, which is to have the tv on while he falls asleep, then wake up when I try to turn it off and insist he isn’t sleepy. When I tried to listen out on the sofa, I was well into the cd and very relaxed when the cat jumped right on my stomach.
I wonder if I’ve crossed over some kind of frustration threshold. My husband recently told me that he knows when he’s “busting my chops,” but he does it anyway because it’s fun. In other words, he intentionally frustrates me. For fun. Double binds me for fun. I’m an adult. I should be able to find some way to rescue myself, shouldn’t I? A direct approach makes him mad. My mother knows how to respond to his kidding; she’s passive-aggressive herself.
“You’ve crossed a boundary” doesn’t work. It’s only a challenge. A gauntlet. A dare to up the ante.
I listened to my guru telling me to imagine my slim self, to see what that looked like, to feel what that felt like. I could almost see it, but I tried to feel it and it feels the same as now. It will probably add the jealousy factor to his teasing. As my energy increases, so will his.
He sounds like an enemy, but he isn’t really. He says I am his world. I hate that. That’s how ….. I can’t go on like this. This is the loop of despair with no answer and no hope. Maybe I’ll try to modify his behavior with the squirt gun like I do with the cats.
May 15th, 2008