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Two nights of concert

March 3rd, 2008

My feelings are so hurt that I’m having trouble talking about it. I’m so devastated that my self esteem is in the toilet. I’m judging myself and assuming everyone else will too. I fear I will be found lacking in character.

There’s so much history that one would have to know to understand. But to put it short, I had an issue with my husband and when I told him, he wouldn’t believe that the issue was one, not many. He didn’t believe me. He said there had to be more for me to be that upset. But there wasn’t.

I suggested he was the one with many issues and after denying it, he began a long list. You’d have thought it was Festivus. He resents that he has to get up at 5:30 a.m. He thinks because he’s such a martyr, he should be able to do anything he wants to do without having to consider my feelings. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s the gist.

I felt like I’d been assaulted. It felt like the marriage is in serious trouble. It felt like he no longer wanted to be married.

I felt physically ill for the first day. Then I felt resentment and thought about revenge in the form of buying something expensive for myself. That would be the emotional equivalent of what he did.

Today I began to feel free. If there’s no marriage, I can do what I want without answering to anyone. It felt good. I fantasized about having my own home. I felt free to resume my life, the life I’ve wanted to end for a very long time. The fear I’ve always felt when contemplating leaving the marriage wasn’t there, only excitement.

I went shopping, but I didn’t spend a huge amount of money, just a little. On practical stuff. I realize that I don’t need to act out.

Also, I’ve lost my appetite. Maybe I’ll go on a diet. I feel like anything is possible now that I’m single.

Entry Filed under: self discovery