Last weekend I called my sister. She was stuttering and said she’d been sent to the ER by her pdoc. They ran tests, but didn’t keep her. She was outraged that they suggested she was suffering from anxiety. The idea that she was doing this to herself. I tried to explain that anxiety is a real thing, but it didn’t help.
I want to say this, but I’m judging myself, so it’s hard. I’m tired of rescuing her. I don’t invite her to my home because she comes here and then has anxiety attacks. I tried to help, but it seemed that she wasn’t willing to help herself. I have a strong feeling that she’s being passive aggressive, hoping someone will “save” her. But I’m no Savior.
Then there’s my mother. She called me to say my sister was sounding odd. She was stuttering. I acted like that was news to me. My mother decided there must not be anything wrong with my sister. She called a couple days later and said my sister must be doing ok. Even though she hadn’t talked to her again.
This may sound crazy, and it is. I feel that I’ve put my time in already - with my father. I was the only one there when he needed to be hospitalized. And he’d been in and out of the hospital since I was fifteen years old. I spent most of my life visiting him in the hospital until he died. I’m not willing to do that again with my sister. I think one of her sons went back to the middle east so he didn’t have to deal with her problems.
March 24th, 2008
My husband chose the movie. I wanted to please him. We both know I can’t watch violence and this was the worst. I will never watch a violent movie again for anyone. Ever.
March 6th, 2008
My feelings are so hurt that I’m having trouble talking about it. I’m so devastated that my self esteem is in the toilet. I’m judging myself and assuming everyone else will too. I fear I will be found lacking in character.
There’s so much history that one would have to know to understand. But to put it short, I had an issue with my husband and when I told him, he wouldn’t believe that the issue was one, not many. He didn’t believe me. He said there had to be more for me to be that upset. But there wasn’t.
I suggested he was the one with many issues and after denying it, he began a long list. You’d have thought it was Festivus. He resents that he has to get up at 5:30 a.m. He thinks because he’s such a martyr, he should be able to do anything he wants to do without having to consider my feelings. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s the gist.
I felt like I’d been assaulted. It felt like the marriage is in serious trouble. It felt like he no longer wanted to be married.
I felt physically ill for the first day. Then I felt resentment and thought about revenge in the form of buying something expensive for myself. That would be the emotional equivalent of what he did.
Today I began to feel free. If there’s no marriage, I can do what I want without answering to anyone. It felt good. I fantasized about having my own home. I felt free to resume my life, the life I’ve wanted to end for a very long time. The fear I’ve always felt when contemplating leaving the marriage wasn’t there, only excitement.
I went shopping, but I didn’t spend a huge amount of money, just a little. On practical stuff. I realize that I don’t need to act out.
Also, I’ve lost my appetite. Maybe I’ll go on a diet. I feel like anything is possible now that I’m single.
March 3rd, 2008