Pax
Thank goodness for the delete function.
Add comment August 6th, 2008
Welcoming the part that hates
I’ve been reading _Core Transformation_ and anything else that will help me break this resistance I have toward something that is supposed to help me. The author says that everything that we feel has a positive intention. In other words, I don’t like the feeling of anger when I think about people who violate my boundaries and refuse to take me seriously. But I say, “Welcome angry part. What do you need?”
So all day my husband has been aggressive toward me. I woke up resenting that he turns the tv on early Sunday morning to watch Sunday Morning Show. Before this, I woke up resenting the three times my cat woke me up wanting to be fed.
I offered to make breakfast, and when I tried to get out of bed, he came to my side and wanted to tackle me. I said, “Don’t.” But he did anyway. So I told him I was too tired to make breakfast. He thought I was joking. I told him I wasn’t going to make breakfast until he learned a lesson. After 10 minutes, I went and fixed breakfast.
Other things he did to annoy me: He got me all stirred up and made me help him figure out why I’d entered a deposit that didn’t show on our statement. I’d been trying to read the paper, but I started going through receipts, looking for the one. After being around his frustration, I went back to the paper as he went online and found the deposit. Then he showed me how there was a carbon of my transaction in the back of the checkbook.
So now, I come out to be near him this afternoon and he immediately finds ants and raises a fuss about where they came from. And here I am. I left the room because I don’t like being made to take on his fussiness.
This is like how he used to push and prod me until I’d completely run out of patience and gone into rage at him. Then he’d become a victim and I’d feel guilty. After my breakdown, he started doing that again and I called the police because my therapist told me I could always call the police when I felt he was going to hurt me. That ended it. He stopped punching out the wall in fury.
I don’t know if it’s the drinking beer or the waiting for football season to come, but he’s becoming aggressive again. So, again, I welcome you my angry part. What is it you need? I am boundaries. I need autonomy.
1 comment August 3rd, 2008
Narcoleptic
I must have woke up in the wrong part of my sleep cycle. I feel narcoleptic. I was having a dream where my mother invited a bunch of people to my house for a Christmas party and acted like I was supposed to know and show them a really good time.
I’m supposed to visit my mother with my sister tomorrow. Maybe that’s why the dream. Right now I want to cancel. But I’ll wait until the coffee kicks in and see if that makes me feel stronger.
The dynamic between my mother and me or my sister and me is crazy enough, but all together, it will take me days to weed out the damage they do to my ego. Or, I could think of myself as the sane one (which I am) and think of it as solving a puzzle. Their crazy don’t stick to me.
This is interesting:
- Main Entry:
- cat·a·plexy
: sudden loss of muscle power following a strong emotional stimulus
I wonder what other useful words I do not know.
Add comment June 30th, 2008
Revisiting the scene of the crime
Why do painful memories get stuck in our heads? Do they remain unresolved? Are we trying to punish ourselves? Is there an unlearned lesson that needs to be learned?
My mil sends me urban legends in emails all the time. I have a sort of sixth sense for them and check them out, usually at snopes. I will usually report back to her. She now prefaces her emails with, “I don’t know if this is true or not.” Or, “Let me know if this is true.” Even better. I respect and appreciate her for this.
So when someone in a not psychcentral forum warned us of dire consequences that we should read this, my not-true detector went off. I found the story and the truth at snopes and posted the url.
I thought I had done this in a respectful manner, but the original poster lashed out at me, including mocking me with the choice of words I had carefully chosen. I was surprised, hurt, mistified, and scared. I defended myself without, I might add, a personal attack on her. I thought, I’ll leave this community for a while, even though I’d just recently discovered it and clicked with it.
The fear persisted. I decided to get out and do something to distract myself. I also asked for hugs here and got them. That really soothed my soul. And still I return in my mind to the scene of the crime, like picking at a scab on a wound.
I don’t consciously want to do this. I want the memory to retreat and peace to replace it. But it persists.
I have a belief that I can feel when someone is thinking about me. Example: I rarely talk to my sister. Yesterday I thought of her. Then the phone rang. It was her. So maybe the lady I offended is still trying to resolve her feelings and still hates me.
I wondered, why fear? What scares me? This is the penultimate anonymous confrontation. How can she hurt me? The answer is that she’s been in that forum much longer than I. The crones are likely to defend her and attack me. That’s fear of the stranger, even tho the stranger had minded her manners and acted with decorum.
So now, what is the fear? Maybe it’s mixed with the hurt. I thought these were my people. They sounded like me. They were smart and funny and kind. I thought. Disappointment? If so, that is a feeling I knew well in my childhood.
So now, what is the fear? I was lonely, then not alone. I was part of a community and I felt loved and accepted for myself. I could let my whole self out. But no. Yet again I was an outcast. No one wants me. Yep. That’s it.
Now, just the facts, ma’m. First, I’m the one who banned myself from that forum. I thought I was giving people room to recover, but I was also punishing myself. Second, I maintained my manners. I defended myself. However, that was something I was punished for by my mother. Never argue with mother or she will withdraw her love. The facts? The lady was probably embarassed and lashed out. Can I punish myself for this? Well, I can be sad that I didn’t forsee this and find a better way to “out” the truth. I am sad that in my enthusiasm in revealing “the truth,” I hurt someones feelings who I’d hoped to make a friend.
A haunting memory: My sister angry with me for being overly enthusiastic and getting her caught up in the fun, then something falls through for her and she is disappointed. Ok, I know this is crazy. Why should I feel bad because of her reaction to something?
Hmmm. I know that my sister will always be in my life, but it’s too easy for strangers to disconnect. “Lady, I wanted to be your friend. I’m sorry you preferred to live in darkness.” That would show her. These ladies are all Christiany and soo good. She would get the reference in a big way.
Ok. So I want to hurt her for hurting me. But I don’t want to be punished and I don’t want to make enemies. So, I’ll give up the revenge. I’ll go back to the forum and face the music. I’ll give her another chance to take a swipe at me and in return, I’ll offer acceptance and ask for forgiveness.
Now this is different. I usually run away when someone yells at me. So today, I’ll act like an adult. I’ll let you know what happens. (I’m scared again.)
1 comment June 28th, 2008
No happily ever after?
I’m surprised that happiness disappeared, seemingly without provocation. I’m not exactly unhappy, more not quite awake or something. Let’s see. I went out to the store. Everything was ok. But when I was trying to back out of my parking space, some lady stopped right behind me. I had to wait for her to decide to proceed. I immediately thought she knew what I was trying to do and she was trying to foil me passive-aggressively. I felt anger. I suppose she just may have not seen me and was waiting for another car to pass before proceeding.
I was going to stop by the grocery store, but the heat scared me. I saw myself unloading bags from the trunk and still having to put on the car cover to keep the Jacaranda blooms from messing up my paint job. I’d practically expired when I first came outside and took it off.
So I nixed the idea of grocery shopping. I decided to grab some fast food and hightail it home. Got home, did car cover, ate lunch. Then sat looking at a catalog and the cats started misbehaving.
I guess I’m just not awake enough to deal with.
Add comment June 19th, 2008
I feel good
I try to make note of this when it happens. The podcasts are keeping me company. We had a relaxing weekend. Today I ran errands and felt good the whole time. I don’t know what to post. I’m excited that I’m learning things that I love to learn about: how to live a happier, more fulfilling life. I heard someone say he wanted to be a source of light, both wisdom and lightheartedness. My purpose is to learn and share what I’ve learned. And I think I’ll add the thing about light.
I was behind someone in the checkout line. She needed a price on an umbrella she wanted to buy. She said she thought it was supposed to be five dollars, but acted like she knew she’d have to prove it. The clerk told her he’d charge her three dollars. She was so surprised and so was I. That just made my day and I haven’t stopped smiling.
Add comment June 16th, 2008
Outcomes
DH couldn’t have been nicer last night. What a pleasant surprise. On the other hand, the forum feels too manic right now. I wonder what’s going on.
Add comment June 12th, 2008
Stumbling
Last night I felt like keeping husband at a distance. He’s been stressed about work and passive-aggressive towards me. I had felt affectionate towards him for the first time in a while over the weekend, but that’s all gone now. Then we went to bed. He had the tv on. I sensed he was falling asleep so I asked if he wanted me to take over the clicker. He gave it to me. I wanted to watch something I would enjoy, but I didn’t want him to “bust my chops” about it, so I put on a show he usually watches. I decided to try to fall asleep to the tv. I rolled on my side and he pressed up against me. I told him I was hot, so let’s don’t touch. I tried to scoot over and he pressed back against me. I was so irritated that I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I threw the clicker at him and went out to the sofa. Then I felt hunger and ate a pastry. I’m pretty sure I was eating my emotions.
This morning I ate breakfast even though I didn’t feel hunger pangs. I’m frustrated at this setback. I thought I’d recovered from emotional eating. I’m feeling so resentful. I’m hating my husband because if I didn’t have to deal with him I could lose weight. I’m surrounded by women who have left their husbands for less.
I’m going to try to find a positive way out of this. Instead of thinking either/or, I’m going to visualize being successful while staying in this relationship.
Add comment June 11th, 2008
Seem to be on track again
I’m feeling more positive than ever. I listen to podcasts while I’m working and get energized. I weighed once to see where my beginning is and was down 6 lbs from my doc’s visit. The hypnosis cd is working better than before. I’ve actually, for the first time, made it through a setback or plateau or whatever this is.
I’m looking for a place where I can belong. It seems that bits of me feel welcome in several places. I may have to scatter myself about until I find a group who is enough like me to fit the whole.
Today I am grateful for the variety of produce on the market. Raspberries and apricots, imagine. Ripe apricots. How rare. I’ve taken blueberries and strawberries for granted. Last week I did a salad with 7 different vegies. Not long ago, I was too tired to even think of cutting up stuff.
For now, til later….
Add comment June 11th, 2008
Craving or hunger?
All through the show I imagined what I would eat for lunch. I thought I had hunger pangs, so it was ok wasn’t it? Then the show is over and I prepare to eat. Only one problem, I’m no longer sure that I’m hungry.
Then it occurs to me; emotional show, tearful, moving show. Emotions. Hunger. Food.
So I’m having a glass of ice water to see if I’m really hungry. If the pangs intensify, it’s hunger. Why is this so hard? The first six weeks were so easy. Then bam. Everything goes to heck. In the old days, I’d be done losing in six weeks, easily. But I have to be in this for the long haul now. I have to be able to have my emotions and still use the 4 Golden Rules.
The fact that I’m drinking water and not stuffing down food is encouraging. Again it seems that the mind programming is working. In unexpected ways. This could work. I hope it works.
Add comment May 22nd, 2008